June 15, 2023

Do you sometimes wonder why your baby or toddler struggles with sleep while other babies seem to sleep perfectly for their parents?

Do you blame yourself, thinking you messed up? Or feel like a failure or "less than" a good enough mother?

This show will reveal the reasons for these differences and help you get what's really going on. This episode #25- "Self-Soothers VS Signalers" will give you grace and validation and increase your patience and compassion for your child.

00:30.96

mbrough

Hello welcome to the show. Thanks for joining me today. We'll be discussing something very important today: self-sopers versus signalers. Now I know you've heard of self-soothing, so that piece should be easy to understand. There are babies out there who are naturally independent. They can relax and go to sleep easily and put themselves back to sleep easily. I've talked about this type of baby for a long time. I might have referred to them as angelic or textbook predictable easygoing. They're the ones with a built-in sense of peace and confidence who don't need a lot of extra support. They really need to be comforted when they're sick, injured, or cutting teeth. Honestly I don't worry about these babies much when it comes to the way they're cared for, the way they sleep, and the way they learn to sleep. They don't demand much from their parents. They're easy to teach and some self-soothers even learn to sleep well on their own. I have definitely met parents who said “oh yeah, by like day 3 my child was sleeping through the night,” and it's hard not to laugh and say “excuse me?!” But you know I feel like that's the type of baby that I worked with in my daycare and some of my kids were like this before I started doing this full time. So I absolutely relate to all the people out there who don't even know that there's a different type of child. 

01:55.61

mbrough

Signallers on the other hand are the extreme opposite of what I just went over. They are built for dependence. Have you ever even heard anyone say that …“built for dependence?” The very name signaler suggests the nature of these babies. They have a built-in need to signal for distress. They're often in distress, at least in their eyes right? They long for companionship, physical touch, closeness and co-regulation when they need something they immediately crowd for help. “Hey, come here now. I need you.” Or you must be within an arm's distance at all times or even carrying them. When they sleep, many of them prefer being held over being laid down in a bed. Unless they can be nestled closely in your arms in YOUR bed. I think these babies need to be in the spotlight more. Hardly anyone talks about them. Yet I meet parents with babies like this every day. Too many people think babies are all the same. They think they are wired the same, that they think the same, act the same, feel the same.. It's just not True. When's the last time you met someone who was exactly like you? Have you met people who can relate to you? Do the majority of people relate to you? No. Adults vary in their outlook and their responses to what's around them in hundreds or thousands of ways and we start out as little human babies.

03:23.53

mbrough

We don’t change from being the same to being so different from each other. Let's discuss another singular factor. In my experience, these are highly sensitive babies. They may also be spirited or high needs. Highly sensitive babies feel every discomfort and twinge of pain acutely. They are in tune, their feelings are intense, and it can be very difficult for them to not be focused on how they feel. Imagine a baby like this going through a mental leap when the brain is developing and changing. I have observed major changes occurring during these times. Emotionally, physically, mentally, babies are crying and screaming in their sleep, acting very clingy, and being very moody. You know ups and downs with those moods. Laughing one moment, crying the next, sounds like people that I know. Some babies won't even go near their beds or let their parents lie them down even if they're asleep. They can be in a deep sleep but wake, (you guys will relate to this a lot of you but this is a little different) they'll wake instantly the second they hit the mattress. And then get really upset and maybe even scream or cry until you hold them and stop trying to lay them down. I Get a lot of people coming to me with this problem who are just freaked out and beside themselves especially if the child was independent before.

04:50.58

mbrough

These babies in the middle of Elite might cry frantically when their parents leave their sight like they are scared. That's what I would call separation anxiety and it can happen with a toddler or a young child as well. When highly sensitive babies are in tune to how they feel and their feelings are intensified, and it's uncomfortable or painful to go through mental leaps, grow spurts, and teething, this makes perfect sense that it's difficult to sleep during these times. It makes sense to me that they will need a lot of extra comfort and co-regulation. They are just a totally different breed and babies aren't built to turn  inward and comfort themselves. They have very basic self-soothing skills or self coping skills. If they have them at all. Okay, so just understand the co-regulation. That's the way nature intended for babies to be comforted with our help.

05:45.15

mbrough

So I don't blame sensitive babies 1 bit for struggling with sleep.Uunderstanding why they have such a hard time staying asleep or falling asleep or any of these things can really shift things for parents. These kiddos need compassion. They need understanding. Love and lots and lots of comfort. I cannot imagine how they feel with their world just turned upside down like this. They don't understand what's going on. They don't know why they feel this way. They're probably terrified. So let's cut them some slack. Let's change the way we think about their tough sleep problems and just be there for them. It's impossible for parents to know exactly what babies and toddlers are feeling or experiencing because they can't describe it. The babies can't describe it. They can't express themselves. They only cry. They use their body language and gestures and I know that is common knowledge. It's just we don't give it enough thought. Do you know how hard that would be to just be able to cry and use your gestures in your body language and expect others to really interpret that correctly to understand that correctly? 

06:53.76

mbrough

I Don't think a lot of parents try hard enough. I think a lot of parents get into habits and they assume things and they just think they know. Then with that comes misinformation sometimes parents will pin things on babies like that they Manipulate. That they're spoiling their babies and teaching their babies the wrong thing when really, that's totally opposite of the truth.So I think it's important to really stop and think about this I've even had newborn care specialists tell me “I Never really thought about what the baby's feeling I knew something was wrong, but it makes so much sense that they're actually uncomfortable. They're actually not feeling well or they're in pain.” And that just kind of opens your heart and helps you feel a lot more compassion for them and more patience which is so important if you have a signaler. So what do you do to help yourself be in tune to understand them? I think the number one way to do this successfully is to turn off your logic. But that's impossible right? From the time we're in school, maybe Preschool or Kindergarten, we are programmed to use our logical side of our brain. And just absolutely use your logic, but you know what we need our intuition. We need our instincts as well. There are neurons in your heart. There are neurons in your stomach isn't that crazy? So we actually have three brains!

08:25.67

mbrough

And we need to use all of them. Why would we have them if we didn't need them? It's so amazing. So turn off that adult brain and try to get back in touch with the brain that you depended on until you were 2, which was the emotional side. That side of you that really just used your gestures and crying or noises or whatever. One word sentences like one year olds do. So think with your heart, be in tune with your heart and be in tune with your instincts. Be in tune with your child. Imagine what they're feeling instead of assuming negative things, or thinking you spoiled them, or created a monster, or whatever it is just understand them. Try. I promise you've been giving your child what they need emotionally and mentally. You've been doing what's best for them if you've been very responsive. If you've held your child very often, if you've bed shared, if you've carried them, if you've fed them to sleep, if you've rocked them to sleep, if you have broken rules and just done what felt right? if you fussed over your child instead of letting them cry. You were doing what was best for your child. I understand though that a lot of those things become unsustainable. They become very difficult to live with and that's often why people come to me. I get that, I promise, I actually know that babies can become more demanding especially with their mothers than people can manage to keep up with and handle.

09:52.88

mbrough

Luckily there's peaceful, kind ways to help babies progress so that they're not quite so demanding or difficult to take care of. I just want to point out that there's nothing wrong and there's no problem with being a very gentle loving parent. You have not caused the sleep problems. Your child is just built differently and this is the takeaway today. I really want you to take away this information that if your child aligns with all these things I'm describing. They are a signaler, and actually there's been research. There's a study that shows the difference between these kids. This is where these terms came from is the self-soother and the signaler. So I'll make sure and attach some resources for you so you can learn more about that. So, anyways, thank you so much for letting me carry on about signalers.

10:44.91

mbrough

I hope you understand what I'm trying to get across that you just can't compare your child to a self-soother. That would be like comparing a bear to a bunny. Not that there's any matchup of either animal with either of these.. you just can't compare them right? So I want to Clarify. Of course, there's a middle range between self-sooers and signalers and it's a very broad spectrum. so we can have children who are are extremely easy going with a bit of a signaling side. We can have kids that are very very much on the signaling side but still have that easy going nature. Is important to understand the mixture can be very different in another way too. Some children can start out as strong signalers and grow out of it. Some babies can start out as self-soothers and become even more independent as they grow. So We'll see a lot of differences in this mixture. Your child is going to be completely unique and it doesn't really matter how much they're like other babies. That's not what the point is in in this conversation. I Just want to help you know that what matters is that you try to understand and accept your baby for who they are.

12:00.00

mbrough

Then try to be patient with them and realize that babies with the signaling side need more time to become independent, more time to become good strong sleepers. I promise you this is true. When I started my business I was like “I have everything figured out” I knew exactly how to help babies sleep well. Then I spent about eight months working with families in their homes and I got thrown for a loop almost every week,  like what is this new problem? I have never seen what is going on. And then I started helping families all over the world eight months into my business. I saw everything and honestly I shouldn't say that, because you know I spent almost six years now and even this year I've seen new cases, new struggles and challenges. So I really approach sleep as like. These babies are individuals. They are unique, who knows how they're going to respond, who knows what they're going to throw at us. That's so important if I'm doing that after working with thousands of babies. Parents should understand that we really need to not predict or expect that we know everything that's coming or that we know what our kids are going to do. And so I just wanted to say that the story I was thinking of is…I remember the first time I had a really young baby whose parents were trying to improve his sleep. I think he was like three months old and we did everything.

13:32.71

mbrough

We checked everything on the list and this baby still struggled. I was so confused. I was like but we did everything right? and you're doing everything right? but he still woke up often at night. And that was kind of my first time of really opening my eyes and seeing something different. That I see all the time now is that it's just the nature of these babies. It has to do with that signaling side. You can't change that it's who they are you can't change the length of time it's going to take them to become more independent. You can't change the length of time it's going to take them to become strong independent sleepers. You can help them foster or develop independence, and you can improve sleep as much as possible. You can definitely fast forward how often they're going to wake up,  improving the process of sleep so that they don't wake up as often so that they sleep better and deeper. And I've actually had major breakthroughs this year where some of these very highly sensitive babies are sleeping for ten or twelve hours at night. I am super excited about the solutions that I've discovered because that is awesome, especially in the middle of the leap, teething, gross spurt, learning new milestones. It's so awesome. So my point is just that it's very normal for us to take longer and it's very normal for these babies to be very dependent for a long time and that we don't really have as much control over that as we think we do. Or we wish we did.

15:02.29

mbrough

So It's basically like, don't expect things to happen on your terms or in your time frame. In the case of a very sensitive baby, and you try to use like cry it out or ferbber and you go for more of a forceful approach, you actually can harm your child, It’s going to be interesting to see in the future as more research is done so that we can actually measure these effects on babies. I'm a firm believer that we can always repair damage. We can always do what we can to rebuild a relationship, to rebuild a connection, to soothe that a child who's been through cry it out and it's been very distressing for them. But I Still believe that there's lasting effects when it comes to emotional health and stress resiliency, attachment can be interrupted, but also I believe in trauma affecting us. And almost sticking with us for a long time until we heal from it. So Those are the things we want to avoid, we don't want that Stuff. We Really want to support these babies. They need it more than any type of child or any type of temperament.  Sorry for blabbing about that for a long time but it's just really important to help you understand your baby and what you're doing for them and how you're benefiting them. So we're gonna talk a little bit more about that in just a moment. So I want you to understand that it's not a death sentence.

16:33.90

mbrough

Your child isn’t going to be a terrible sleeper and struggle with dependency forever. They always grow, especially when we support them. I've seen so many beautiful changes in babies whose parents were very patient and offered all of this and amazing support. Like the physical closeness, even co-sleeping bed sharing and these kids are just naturally evolving and becoming very independent. It's so exciting to see that that process helps babies and toddlers and young children grow in the way that we want them to without force. It really really works. The way I've been able to help parents progress quicker is really exciting. Jumping back a topic here. It can be life changing to get 6 or 8 hours of continuous sleep for those of you who are waking up every hour or twice an hour or whatever it is. I am not trying to rub it in, I want to give you hope that there can be change and that it's not just a matter of patience for everyone. If you're able to work with me then we can absolutely change things. It can be life changing to have more predictability or ease in your life. Returning to a rested state can be 1 of the most beautiful gifts in the world. When I work with families it's not about forcing things. It's not about ignoring the baby. It's not about making them change. It's about fostering change, supporting who they currently are, helping them truly feel confident in their parents' care in the middle of the night, in the middle of nap time whenever wherever.

18:07.41

mbrough

They need to be led through gradual changes from point a to point B to C to D etc. Baby step changes can be amazing for these children to help them progress and one day they eventually make it a long way and suddenly sleep like champs. Parents are thinking how in the world are you the same baby.. It's just amazing and all of this is true. I am not making this up; these changes can happen and parents really do get to these great outcomes. I think that's really comforting to hear, some people have lost hope though. So I Just want to tell you that if you've already tried lots of things it doesn't mean that it's hopeless for you. I help people all the time who've paid for multiple sleep consultants, taken multiple programs, and tried everything and I love that there's still breakthroughs. With this improvement and excitement these babies are still the same humans. They still go through sleep regressions. They still have growth in developmental periods. They don't become perfect sleepers. All babies and toddlers need their parents at night from time to time. That's normal. Parents need to Accept that this is a normal part of raising a child. We need to give up the idea that babies and toddlers should stop disturbing our sleep. This is unnatural and unexpected if they do stop disturbing your sleep. Signalers are born into families without warning.

19:43.66

mbrough

There is no way to predict this and it can be shocking and I felt terrible for parents who are like “oh okay, this is not what I was expecting. This is really really tough.” It's not ever what people are expecting. But these little human beings that are so challenging also come with little personalities that are waiting to bloom and be discovered. They're beautiful people. They have gifts and strengths that are wonderful. It's just that they're challenging to race so parents of highly sensitive babies Aka signalers need their villages. If you can relate please ask the people you trust to help you. Accept the help. That's the next big Step. Give yourself Credit. You are fulfilling a difficult job and you're working very hard to meet your child's needs. Make sure you find ways to nurse your needs and find ways to rest. Sometimes you need to slow down and do nothing but be a mom and forget about the house and the tasks and the people waiting. It won't matter one day when you look back at this time I promise. I promise none of it will feel like pressure in the future. If you can only see clearly now you would avoid a lot of regret and Disappointment. So just listen, believe me that stuff does not matter I promise.

21:12.99

mbrough

 And another thing I Just want to point out is that moms often feel like failures if they can't improve their sleep and I don't know where that comes from. Some moms feel like failures when they ask for help and I just want you to know that it's a really beautiful experience to have a sleep Coach. So if it's something that you're thinking about right now, just give it a try reach out to me and let's have a sleep consultation  or an intervention call where we discuss your child and my programs. There's no pressure. I Just want you to know that this experience of working together is rewarding. It's a rich experience and many of my clients say it's life changing. I Love being a Mom Mentor. There's nothing better than lifting moms to the next level and building their confidence and helping them trust their intuition and understand their children. I've had clients say that its absolutely life Changing. So another thing I want to reassure you with is that the hard work you're doing now will lead your child to the best outcome. Their best outcome. They will thrive in every single way as much as possible and you'll be the star of the show. How's that sound? I know most of you aren't seeking any type of credit but just let that sink in. If you're doing all this hard work and it pays off you are saving the day, you are the heroine, you made this possible that is so awesome. It makes me really emotional.

22:44.91

mbrough

I didn't talk that much about self-soothers today and you know they are pretty great. But I just want to say that their parents don't struggle with sleep.  It comes really naturally and easily for them. They can read a book. They can just listen to traditional sleep consultants. They can follow a holistic approach which is even better and things just work out. I don't spend a lot of time talking about that type of baby because you know those parents don't really feel a need to explore and look for something different often.. I'm here to help the most exhausted parents, especially exhaustive mamas. Just that's what I love doing and my baby centered approach is meant for babies and toddlers who are signalers. They have a strong signaling side or they're fully signalers. And I have the best solutions for these kids and these moms who really need my help. The tear-free nurturing sleep methods I have for each temperament are just amazing. They're powerful.. And my system, my seamless system helps you get from barely alive to feeling connected, centered, at peace full of life. While I'm at it just because we're on this topic I'd like to tell you a little bit about my programs before I wrap up the show..

24:12.82

mbrough

I offer six week and six-month programs. That's a pretty broad range I know but that's because 1 offering is meant for the type of parent who has limited time or limited finances or they have a baby in the middle range of signaling and self-soothing. This is my baby centered gold program. It's a wonderful way to work together. We get to meet every week, and you get to text a couple days a week. You get your sleep plan week by week to avoid feeling overwhelmed. You get a proven system to follow sending your sleep plan every week gives me a chance to customize the steps as needed and help you progress with confidence and clarity. My revitalizing motherhood program. That's the six month one. It is a dream. It's a dream for me and for my clients. I really love it. It's what I've always been meant to do. Provide this type of support and care. If you're a mother of a signaling baby or a young child. This is the program for you. There's no pressure with time. You have six months to improve sleep to learn to grow to depend on me for guidance and mentoring. I mean who wouldn't want a village like that to have somebody who's a child care expert, a mother of 5, someone who's been working with sleep for 20 years and full time with high needs sensitive spirited babies for the last four or five years. Anyways you get hour-long coaching sessions.

25:44.17

mbrough

Weekly community meetings with a built-in village of moms who understand children like yours. Then monthly classes on all things of motherhood plus texting access to me. I'm happy to offer the perfect programs for my clients. They're exactly what is needed for each child and each parent. If you'd like to learn more by chatting with me go to my website at sweetslumbertime.com/contact or just look up sweetslumbertime.com and look for the contact button and set up a sleep intervention call. I cannot wait to meet you and get you started on this exciting journey. Thank you so much for spending time with me today. Make sure you're on the lookout for my next episode. I release them every Friday. Take care of yourself, I'll see you soon.

Key words: self-soothe, signalers, baby sleep, sleep train, gentle sleep coach, understand baby, keys to sleeping better, spirited baby, sensitive baby, waking hourly, seeking comfort, independent, dependent, baby-centered sleep